But the real question is whether I should really be making this an online journal. I have it set to private, but you never know. Everything can be hacked.
What I wanted to write about was that I feel guilty about masturbating when I have a boyfriend. Maybe I should ask a sex blogger about this or something. But do it as anonymous. But the point is, I went out and bought this vibrator. It was a dare from my roommate. She said they are amazing but that I would never know since I had a boyfriend and was probably too prude to ever own one until I was forty anyway. It was the prude comment that got me. Just because we always have sex at my boyfriend’s apartment and she never sees it doesn’t make me a prude. She joked a few weeks ago that IF we did it, we probably only did it missionary style. I told her that wasn’t true, that we did it in lots of positions. And that Conner really loved to have me on top the most (I have big breasts). She didn’t believe me.
But anyway, I bought the vibrator to prove her wrong so that maybe she would stop giving me such a hard time. I’M the one with a boyfriend after all. She wouldn’t even need a vibrator is she had a boyfriend!
I started using it during a break in studying last week. Morgan was at the library and I was studying for my first test in my 19th century English Lit class but my head was full and I needed a break. I didn’t want to get sucked into tv bc then I would never get any studying done. That’s when I thought of the vibrator. I took it out of its box and locked the door to my dorm room. Morgan was just going to have to search for her keys if she came home.
I got undressed and turned the vibrator on. The thing was so weird. And cold. I wasn’t used to that.
Then I kind of laid it between my legs and that felt good. Then I put it inside of me and that felt weird so I took it out. But apparently my body liked it bc it was all wet when I took it out. I laid it back on top. I guess that is where the clitoris is but I don’t really know.
Or I didn’t. I kind of do now. I still haven’t seen it. And I can’t bring myself to get a mirror and be all vaginal monologues about finding it. But I seem to like it the best when the vibrator is touching me up top above my, ya know, hole, I guess.
It really didn’t take long—only about five minutes of it just laying there on top of my invisible clitoris for me to come. And boy did I. I can’t believe I actually thought I was having orgasms with Conner this whole time. Don’t get me wrong the sex feels good but not like this.
Anyway, I have been masturbating with the vibrator everyday for the last week. Even on days when Conner and I have sex at his apartment. Sometimes I have to sneak it into the bathroom with me and turn on the shower or sink so that Morgan won’t hear me. At least I think she doesn’t hear me. I try to be pretty quiet about it when I do it.
And now I have gotten pretty fast about it, too. I am like those jokes they make about old guys coming really fast-though that really applies to young guys, too, bc Conner has never held it longer than 20 minutes. And that was with him really concentrating. Maybe he was thinking of dead kittens or something to not come. Because if sex with me for him is like the magical vibrator is for me, then yeah, I would have to think of dead kittens or global warming or something to make myself not have an orgasm. I can come in like 3 or 4 minutes now. I really am like a guy.
But what’s funny and kind of scary is that I had never masturbated before— never. I never touched myself or anything back at home. And I guess I still don’t. I just put the vibrator against my clitoris and then slide it up inside me a few times then back against my clit for awhile and bam, orgasm.
So, yeah, I really don’t know if I should be feeling guilty or not. Shouldn’t I only enjoy sex with my boyfriend? But then I think ‘women’s empowerment’ and all that and think that it’s okay that I play with myself.
I don’t know. Maybe I’ll try to make the sex with Conner better.
Okay, I have to go to class.
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